The Anatomy Of A Hipster.

The Eddicted people in Utah (we’ll refer to them as Chad & Ashley’s) better watch their backs because there’s another ubiquitous cultural sub-set posed to take their spot as the most dominant species.  I give you, The Hipster.

Now the Hipster is by no means a new phenomenon.  They’ve been documented for years in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, NY, and they’ve been seen as far west as the Silver Lake area of Los Angeles, CA.  One thing is for certain, they try to stay near metropolitan areas, or at least the largest city in their respective state.  I don’t know if a city such as Omaha Nebraska would have sufficient resources to sustain hipster life.  Then again, the irony of a hipster in Omaha might be more than enough to create a hospitable environment.

The Hipster is a very clever breed.  They evolve quite frequently and often take up new appearances based on their social settings.  Essentially they can  alter their wants, likes, dislikes, and appearance at a moments notice and with little reason, logic or questioning from their brethren or pack.  This is what makes them difficult to stereotype or to generally classify.  One thing is for certain, The Hipster loves irony.   Irony is to The Hipster as spinach is to Popeye.  It’s that powerful, and essentially the life force that keeps things moving in it’s world.

Here’s an illustration that can come in handy if you find yourself confused as to if someone is a Hipster or not.  Now you may encounter someone that has one, or all of the following.  Don’t be alarmed if you do, strike up a conversation about music and name drop the following groups and you should be fine – Vampire Weekend, Devendra Banhart, Peaches (only when you’re doing coke), Kings of Leon (but bring up that they sold out on their new record and you liked them 4 years ago), Nick Cave, and Conor Oberst

Here’s a few other Hipster characteristics that have been verified, and confirmed to be true:

• Generally only likes music before anyone else…or if Pitchfork says it’s good.  They’ll never own up to liking a band once they’ve been on the radio or played in a venue that holds over 2,000 capacity.
• Likes PBR, Natural Light, and Bud Light beer.
• Likes the cheapest vodka you can buy, mixed with organic soda from Whole Foods
• Tries to stick to a vegetarian diet, but usually has a cheat day here and there where they’ll eat Big Mac’s, just because the people at McDonald’s are fat.
• Never exercises, unless you count riding their fixed gear to the bar as exercise.
• Smokes pot only to help them come down from having snorted coke all night.
• Hipster girls will make fun of any girl that does coke, while ironically always having a bag in their purse – “haha coke whore slut, hey vicki want some blow”?
• They like to take ecstasy, but only when a really good DJ is in town…ie for hipsters Steve Aoki or Girl Talk.  Of if they’re partying with jock type frat boys with ripped abs..
• They’ll buy all of their clothes from thrift stores except girls buy Zac Posen shoes, and really expensive purses and bags.
• Guys try to find vintage anything, loafers, sneakers, underwear, headbands.
• Mustaches are a sign of tenure.  You can’t just become a Hipster and expect to show up to a social function with an ironic mustache. They’re like a badge of honor.
• Hipsters love to dress up like white trash crays and attend Monster truck rallies, or Motor Cross events.

Now that we’ve addressed some characteristics, lets look a some sub groups within The Hipster species.

There’s the mail order Hipster, or as most would refer to as the Urban Outfitters Hipster.  They generally join the club for all the wrong reasons, they’re socially awkward, and only hope being a Hipster will mean more friends, and possibly more pussy.  They always look uncomfortable at the bar and nine times out of ten they’re wearing a smegma scarf or something else that might resemble a Palestinian freedom fighter outfit.   They also still maintain ties to the normal world, and can be found listing Coldplay as one of their favorite rock bands.

Cheerleaders turned Hipster are more common than one might think.  They graduate and all of the sudden they’re trading in their pom-poms and cheer outfit for an American Apparel tank top, leggings, fedora and a red bull with vodka.  Generally seen in the club in pairs…and there’s always one that looks like she’s completely out of her element…say hi to the transition hipster (C) (DJ JUGGY) on the right…  You can clearly tell she’s second guessing everything about her life right now…including whether or not to have anal sex later on.

The artsy Hipster.  They seldom leave the comforts of their own house…um…I mean rented 500 sq foot studio apartment.  They lounge around waxing poetic about the impact of Andy Warhol and whether or not Britney Spears is equivalent to our generations Sinatra.  They also spend their time taking “Point and Click” photography made famous by Terry Richardson.  This girls watching TV, only it’s not the TV we as normal people would watch, but she’s created something different, something cooler, something….ironic.

Every Hipster has a blog, at least any Hipster that’s worth a damn.  And they’ll spend all day documenting their completely yawn inducing lives…they’ll even take photos of the food they eat and the beer they drink.

Exhibit A and B

EVERY Hipster… rides a fixed gear bike.  This isn’t even debatable…if you want to be a Hipster you better get a fucking bike bro.

And when you’re not riding it…that fucking bike sits in your living room like a badge of honor.  It’s like saying…hey, Fuck you, if I want a gallon of Milk I’ll ride on my fixed gear to the fucking grocery store and buy it.  I don’t give two shits that bike technology has progressed so much that I can get a bike with 20 something speeds…uh uh…I want to take it back, back to the fucking essence of peddling my shit all the way down the street…in ONE IRONIC GEAR.

Oh, and you can’t play any video games that were developed after 1996 and that are higher than 16 BIT.

Hipsters do like rap music, on occasion.  It has to be retro inspired and mention a beeper at least once during the course of the album.

Hipster Porn at it’s best…

Again, maintain as close to a vegetarian diet as possible, but stock up on the following.   See, because it’s ironic to eat good and then snort copious amounts of cocaine.

Master the art of taking pictures outside, by the building you and your band rehearse in.  Only take photos when it’s cloudy or the Holga Camera won’t create the desired effect.

Black people can definitely do it too.  You’ll notice that you’ll gain acceptance that much quicker.

So what if Kanye wore em…me wearing cheap knock offs is IRONIC.

But if you want real respect, if you want that Hipster Juice…that throwing Bishop off the roof top juice, then you gotta stunt like this….

If you’re going to celebrate a Holiday…do it ironically.

Only hang out at dive bars, or really, really swank places that don’t really fit your thrift store attire.

Allow me to introduce you to their leaders…

Chloe

Vincent….or….THE Gallo

The Pedophile that runs American Apparel.

Okay, so you might be thinking to yourself, “what if I want to become a Hipster.  My advice is this…try to pattern yourself after one of the above mentioned, take my lifestyle advice, do everything opposite of the people you know and or the people you see on T.V.  Go to a real shitty dive bar, study the clothing, the mannerisms, the language, and then copy it all.  Basically anything that is perceived to be cool isn’t anymore.  Anything you hear people talking about positively must be garbage.  You only want the trash…the stuff others were to blind to see the beauty in.  Start shopping at thrift stores, and buy anything that fits.  If it seems crazy, chances are it’s totally awesome and you should do it.  Practice self deprecating humor…like…”Hey guys, look at my fat stomach how awesome right?  I’m going go keep eating pork tacos and drinking milk shakes cause it’s funny, but I’m going to dress like a Latina whore with stenciled eye liner”.

Remember, being a Hipster is a huge commitment…it requires you to live everyday like it’s opposite day.

*This post brought to you by the fine folks at Pabst, Coors Light, Red Stripe, Deseret Industries, American Apparel, and Steve Aoki.

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